Finding the missing part

Michaela finishing her first ride. 

This past week I had the opportunity to do massage for the ACT 6 Aids ride. It was an incredible experience for me personally. I found what had been missing from my life. I didn't want this to be what it was....but life doesn't let you choose if something is meant to be.

The first two days I spent very very VERY crabby. First off: dealing with my sister's broken heart and re-living all of that for myself. Realizing a lot of that pain was still unhealed for me. It feels like death. I remember it well. Especially the first time you deal with those emotions, because that's the first time you realize it's so possible to feel something so out of control. I realized I haven't been a good example for her either. Hmmmf! So I sat in my junk floating around me and chose to be in crabby mood.  Second: Having no plan about what was next for me. School was the only committment I had left. Nothing was shifting.

On the third day, we talked about what making a difference meant. The riders had their 100 mile ride that day, and they were HURTING. Not only physically, but emotionally. There were a lot of tears that night. People were really getting present to why there were there, either riding or crewing: and it's to make a difference. Chealsea talked about not getting into the "Oh their quads hurt so I'm going to fix this mode" and instead just said, "These people are so greatful you are here. That you are taking 15 minutes of time to touch them. Just be present with them and their experience." So being the resisty little biatch I can be, I told myself that was crap, blah blah blah, I'm suffering and shut it. But then I decided if I wanted room for something to shift, I needed to try it on.

So I was present with every client. Now think about this for a minute. How many times are we talking to someone and we have a million other thoughts of what we have to do tomorrow going through our heads? How many times do we REALLY REALLY listen and feel? Most human beings don't. It takes a lot of practice and effort. It was really difficult at first. I let it all flow through me, and wanted each client to just recieve. You can always tell the ones who know how to recieve and the ones who don't. It's such a difference. You can tell so much about a person from doing just 15 minutes of bodywork on them. There were a lot of tears as people remembered their loved ones who had passed away from the disease. Each person was so thankful for the bodywork. 

I looked in the closet at the school and there was a box that said "Rosetta Stone" on it. I thought of the Tool song and blessed the seredipity of it all. 

The last day was a GORGEOUS outdoor event. The weather was perfect. Everyone wore red. It was so powerful. There were so many different people coming together for one common cause. This disease kills people. It hurts people. It changes lives. Bringing awareness and shedding some positive light on it really paves the way for transformation. 

Michalea fell on the second day. She sprained her wrist and was in a ton of pain. It was her first year riding. I saw her in a new light of vulnerability and realized that she too, is just human. We all are. And what I got so present to was that we all just do the best we can, and if we can offer SOMETHING to help another, it makes such a difference. Offering support or bodywork can make a huge difference to somebody. I saw my hero rely on us to support her. It was an interesting feeling...knowing that everyone needs someone. We are all connected and the common emotions and feelings of being human that we share bond us. 

The closing ceremony was very powerful...and then it hit me. "NO NO NO NO NO" I said in my head, but I knew it to be true. What I had been missing was being active. I know this, but I didn't want to admit it. There is a part of me that knows if I set my mind and heart to it, I could be a great athlete. And that's what's next. And after I let that in, I was FLOODED with ideas for Dragonfly Wellness, which is the company I'm creating. Removing blocks can be pretty beneficial. So, I turned to Jessie and said, "You know we're riding in this next year right?" "No way, I don't even have a bike," she says. Michaela's mom turns to her and says, "You can use mine!" BUSTED! So apprehensively we both said, "oh shit, here we go." And so it is. 

Call it dopamine, call it love, call it spirit, call it energy. It's all the same thing. The body creates what it experiences. What we all call it doesn't matter. What we feel and what we offer to ourselves and the world is what does. EXTEND!!!! Be the change you wish to see in the world. That's what I'm creating for myself, and nobody can bring me down from that. 

Almost two years ago, I was selling crappy advertising in Lodi, WI. I came across a business card with a dragonfly on it. It was for a massage therapist. Something inside of me said, "You're going to do this." It ended up that the card I came across was that of a girl I had talked to earlier that day that worked at the chiropractor's office. I went in the next day to chat with her about massage...something I knew NOTHING about at the time. We had a great conversation. I drove home that night thinking..."Wouldn't it be great to work at a chiropractor's office and do massage on my own?" I didn't think that was possible. I rememebered feeling so defeated, miserable in my job, in my life, in my relationships.  When you live in the realm that nothing is possible...it'll be true for you.

Here I am, two years later, graduated from massage school and having had a fantastic interview today at a chiropractic clinic in Sun Prairie. So here I am, living what I didn't think was possible. Yeah, it was a HARD road to get here, but when something is meant to be, it'll work out. Somehow it worked out that I could get set up with a payment plan at Tibia and the rest is now. Life can be very serendipitious. I choose to look at it that way, not because I'm naive, but because it's real and it happens. When something is meant to be, it finds it's way. No matter how crappy it looks in the meantime. Give it space, work on yourself and do what you can to help others along the way. I can't wait to find out what's possible next.