Fever burns through my veins as if nothing can quench the insatiable longing to calm me.
She apparated through a soul connection long promised but forgotten by the conscious mind. The recognition was not instant, although her golden elixr glittered patiently for me to remember her.
She soothed me as I drank her in while watching over my right shoulder. Intertwined by threads that I didn't understand until my third eye seared with her images-one in the same. Nobody will understand this.
A constant longing from my soul to know more guided this journey to fuse the connection of worlds seemingly apart. Wake Up.
Reality obscured as co-existing planes collided under one truth that couldn't be guided in tandem-Push Me Away.
Open my eyes to something distracting to release the memories of our eyes first meeting from this embedded wound and turn it into something disengaging that I no longer know.
Paralyzed within myself they leave me to fall so I will know my worth, but the proper move escapes me. Turning inward I breathe-and from the very depths of human connection, I know you saw me there.
I was cut on the jagged edges of chains protecting wounds not yet healed from what is not forgiven. I stare in wonder at myself in a pattern cycling through the world in which understanding fades into the mist filtering through my blood and my third eye shuts. I question why I feel I should care. It is something beyond what I can understand and wrap tangibly into a neat Pandora's Box.
I look up and remember I have been here before. The thickness of the air chokes me as it grows more unfamiliar and uncomfortable. It penetrates my lungs as it hardens my heart. Reclusive inside-everything burns until no tears can soothe. The mask tries so hard to betray Me, but I'm still a silent warrior.
Balance the karma as my life's greatest lesson to allow the seed to grow without gouging my fingernails in to dig it up. Allow it to be. Cut the cord of connections and focus within until I feel my heart beating to my own unconditional love. Nobody will understand this. Allow it to be.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Totally Emo
Recent life events have forced me to break out of my comfort zone and re evaluate everything in my life. It has been one thing after another that has turned everything I have known to be "true" for the past few years into complete chaos.
A new journey has begun, and off in the wind I go. Time to find out what is true for me, and not for everybody else. I love everyone who has taught me something and been in my life. I will take it all with me, I promise, but I want to stop living how everybody tells me to do so.
Here's to new beginnings. A complete destruction has happend so that new things can be constructed. Here's to the ups, the downs and finding my worth. I promise I'll come visit!
"You can trust the overall perfection of whatever is happening and say, 'I claim the perfection and the re-ordering that is in process. I exercise my choices for upliftment, learning and growth. I choose to re-unite myself into the consciousness of perfection.' I can look at spilled milk and appreciate it as a mosaic, a piece of art. I can see the beauty.- John Morton
A new journey has begun, and off in the wind I go. Time to find out what is true for me, and not for everybody else. I love everyone who has taught me something and been in my life. I will take it all with me, I promise, but I want to stop living how everybody tells me to do so.
Here's to new beginnings. A complete destruction has happend so that new things can be constructed. Here's to the ups, the downs and finding my worth. I promise I'll come visit!
"You can trust the overall perfection of whatever is happening and say, 'I claim the perfection and the re-ordering that is in process. I exercise my choices for upliftment, learning and growth. I choose to re-unite myself into the consciousness of perfection.' I can look at spilled milk and appreciate it as a mosaic, a piece of art. I can see the beauty.- John Morton
Monday, July 16, 2007
Mother Frackin Frack!
About every six weeks to two months, I get this insatiable urge to chain smoke and just have these deep conversations about life. Of course for me, chain smoking means three cigs and I'm out, but there is just something about sitting on a balcony free to discuss your mind and feelings. Yeah, its one of my many weird twisty personality things.
Today's topic: How people are such a product of their surroundings. People are a product of only what they know. Hey!! Derka Derka Doooo...no surprise there, any idiot could come up with that conclusion. But taking it a step farther...what makes a person say, "Enough. There has got to be more out there."
Some people can sit their whole lives being perfectly content with settling for what is put in front of them. I am not one of those people. Take religion for example: it's a product of our surroundings. What made one person say one day, "Well, I think this will be this, and that will be that and everyone will believe it and we'll call it a day." Most major religions have one or more certain deity and a set of "rules." While most of these rules are codes of ethics and morals, at the same time it can almost be looked at as a way of manipulation. If everyone were to follow these "rules" it would be a perfect society. And how shall we scare the kids? Damnation to hell. It doesn't add up. But depending what your family believes, where in the world you grow up, you usually have this set of beliefs you just follow, because it is all you know.
Religion is an easy example. But if you really think about it, there is so much information out there that is either kept from the general public or we just do not have access to. Quantum Physics...such and amazing subject, so many incredible mind boggling concepts, but most people cannot wrap their minds around it because they are so conditioned to believe in what society tells them. It is a shame.
I feel like half the people my age don't even vote because no matter what they think the government is corrupt and they don't care who leads the way. I mean if both sides are so incredibly vindictive, pointing the finger at the other...than what is the point? I can see that mindset, and well that sucks too. It is a incredible what people are conditioned to believe. Almost to the point of the general population thinking it is impossible to make a true difference.
So what makes people say "Enough" and want to step outside the box and discover what is out there. Is it some major turn of events, an internal drive, or just plain curiosity? It's probably different for every individual. I know for me, my life's "fuck ups" have led me down some amazing paths to the most incredible journeys for my higher good. Logic is only what we know. Imagine how much information is out there that hasn't been "proven" or is too outside the box to understand. But imagine if society was more open to it. Nothing is impossible in my opinion. Well, maybe marrying Nick Lachey is, but you know what I mean.
Well, that's my rant for the day. Thanks for listening folks.
Today's topic: How people are such a product of their surroundings. People are a product of only what they know. Hey!! Derka Derka Doooo...no surprise there, any idiot could come up with that conclusion. But taking it a step farther...what makes a person say, "Enough. There has got to be more out there."
Some people can sit their whole lives being perfectly content with settling for what is put in front of them. I am not one of those people. Take religion for example: it's a product of our surroundings. What made one person say one day, "Well, I think this will be this, and that will be that and everyone will believe it and we'll call it a day." Most major religions have one or more certain deity and a set of "rules." While most of these rules are codes of ethics and morals, at the same time it can almost be looked at as a way of manipulation. If everyone were to follow these "rules" it would be a perfect society. And how shall we scare the kids? Damnation to hell. It doesn't add up. But depending what your family believes, where in the world you grow up, you usually have this set of beliefs you just follow, because it is all you know.
Religion is an easy example. But if you really think about it, there is so much information out there that is either kept from the general public or we just do not have access to. Quantum Physics...such and amazing subject, so many incredible mind boggling concepts, but most people cannot wrap their minds around it because they are so conditioned to believe in what society tells them. It is a shame.
I feel like half the people my age don't even vote because no matter what they think the government is corrupt and they don't care who leads the way. I mean if both sides are so incredibly vindictive, pointing the finger at the other...than what is the point? I can see that mindset, and well that sucks too. It is a incredible what people are conditioned to believe. Almost to the point of the general population thinking it is impossible to make a true difference.
So what makes people say "Enough" and want to step outside the box and discover what is out there. Is it some major turn of events, an internal drive, or just plain curiosity? It's probably different for every individual. I know for me, my life's "fuck ups" have led me down some amazing paths to the most incredible journeys for my higher good. Logic is only what we know. Imagine how much information is out there that hasn't been "proven" or is too outside the box to understand. But imagine if society was more open to it. Nothing is impossible in my opinion. Well, maybe marrying Nick Lachey is, but you know what I mean.
Well, that's my rant for the day. Thanks for listening folks.
When Does Being Intuitve Become Harmful To Living Life?
So I see and feel and can communicate with Angels, Guides, Those Passed On, Whatever…cool. I know this happened to me so I would have my own personal “proof” that this does exist. There is life after death, there is a God/All Knowing Energy and there is access to communicate with everything if you are open to it. I’ve had crazy metaphysical experiences and honestly, it is kinda cool to have that ability. At first I was scared to death and I slept over at my parent’s house for two weeks straight because I felt my condo was “haunted” or something or other. Then by chance I met a lot more people that this was just starting to happen to as well. We found comfort in our joint “craziness” and it was nice not to be alone. My Intuition has been validated a million times over by both people I know and don’t know. It’s pretty much right on and I’ve trusted it.
This weekend I had the experience of someone believing that I was using that to manipulate him. This hurt me to the core. All I try to do is help the best way I know how. I don’t think anybody truly understands what it is like to have this happen to you until it happens. I just say what I see and feel. It could possibly be true that there is a filter on it, but I don’t think so. The reason why I don’t think that is because others have told me the same things that I have seen. Some people that don’t even know anything about the situation…so where does that come from? There is sometimes information that comes through that could, in my opinion, be harmful because people need to figure things out on their own, including myself. There are things I think that come through that I am not supposed to know sometimes. Everything can be changed because of free will. That’s the confusion/beauty of it all.
Regardless, I feel like I lost a person who not only did I really care about, I only wanted to help and in the mess of things it got miscommunicated and became a mess. So when does being Intuitve become harmful to just living life? I guess the answer is right now. I think its one thing to have the ability and use it occasionally, but I don’t need to make a career out of this. I’ve been told by others I have an amazing ability to heal and communicate to bring comfort to loved ones with the passing of their family/friends. I know this to be true…I just really don’t tell people or talk about that, but I have done it over and over again, and it has all been validated by that family member I have talked to. I’m glad to bring peace to people and help them find comfort in those situations. But I don’t like losing friends. There is nothing I can do about that I suppose. It seems like the cost of this is too much.
I feel because I’m getting these “warning alarms” going off in my life about all this stuff, I feel like taking a big step back and just concentrating on the present moment. I think that is what I best and healthiest for me to do. I had dinner with an old friend last night. He said, “It’s nice to have the old J back, you’ve been getting a little weird lately.” Yeah, maybe I have been a little weird. It’s time to get back to self and figure out why all this has happened. Everything that happens shows you something, even if it’s a bitch of a lesson. I miss my old self too. The girl that didn’t worry about the future, and had fun every moment of her life. It seems this path isn’t working for me anymore. I have my proof, it exists-now what?
This weekend I had the experience of someone believing that I was using that to manipulate him. This hurt me to the core. All I try to do is help the best way I know how. I don’t think anybody truly understands what it is like to have this happen to you until it happens. I just say what I see and feel. It could possibly be true that there is a filter on it, but I don’t think so. The reason why I don’t think that is because others have told me the same things that I have seen. Some people that don’t even know anything about the situation…so where does that come from? There is sometimes information that comes through that could, in my opinion, be harmful because people need to figure things out on their own, including myself. There are things I think that come through that I am not supposed to know sometimes. Everything can be changed because of free will. That’s the confusion/beauty of it all.
Regardless, I feel like I lost a person who not only did I really care about, I only wanted to help and in the mess of things it got miscommunicated and became a mess. So when does being Intuitve become harmful to just living life? I guess the answer is right now. I think its one thing to have the ability and use it occasionally, but I don’t need to make a career out of this. I’ve been told by others I have an amazing ability to heal and communicate to bring comfort to loved ones with the passing of their family/friends. I know this to be true…I just really don’t tell people or talk about that, but I have done it over and over again, and it has all been validated by that family member I have talked to. I’m glad to bring peace to people and help them find comfort in those situations. But I don’t like losing friends. There is nothing I can do about that I suppose. It seems like the cost of this is too much.
I feel because I’m getting these “warning alarms” going off in my life about all this stuff, I feel like taking a big step back and just concentrating on the present moment. I think that is what I best and healthiest for me to do. I had dinner with an old friend last night. He said, “It’s nice to have the old J back, you’ve been getting a little weird lately.” Yeah, maybe I have been a little weird. It’s time to get back to self and figure out why all this has happened. Everything that happens shows you something, even if it’s a bitch of a lesson. I miss my old self too. The girl that didn’t worry about the future, and had fun every moment of her life. It seems this path isn’t working for me anymore. I have my proof, it exists-now what?
Sunday, July 15, 2007
"Dese are MY Apprles"
Well, we kinda sorta not really made it through the cleanse. Yesterday when we tried the straight olive oil portion of the cleanse, it resulted in yacking, soooo Lance and I said enough of this, we're getting food. haha! Jessie was a trooper and downed the olive oil and lemon juice.
Overall, the results were great! My body certainly released a lot of toxins. For the first time in months my sinuses are clear, my skin is better and I feel a lot better on the whole. I highly advised in a raw juice fast, it has great benefits.
I got the emotional cleanse I needed too. Prompted by an unexpected twist of fate yesterday that led to a complete crying breakdown, which apparently my body needed. It was ridiculous, I couldn't stop crying, even when my roommate was dancing around in her underwear I was laughing and crying at the same time. It was an on again off again all day thing. My eyes look like Rocky today, but I feel a whole lot better to get all that emotional residue out of my body.
So here I am, ready to start a new. I feel great and I feel confident life is going to offer wonderful and new opportunites. I can't control what has happened, all I can do is move forward and shine on.
Overall, the results were great! My body certainly released a lot of toxins. For the first time in months my sinuses are clear, my skin is better and I feel a lot better on the whole. I highly advised in a raw juice fast, it has great benefits.
I got the emotional cleanse I needed too. Prompted by an unexpected twist of fate yesterday that led to a complete crying breakdown, which apparently my body needed. It was ridiculous, I couldn't stop crying, even when my roommate was dancing around in her underwear I was laughing and crying at the same time. It was an on again off again all day thing. My eyes look like Rocky today, but I feel a whole lot better to get all that emotional residue out of my body.
So here I am, ready to start a new. I feel great and I feel confident life is going to offer wonderful and new opportunites. I can't control what has happened, all I can do is move forward and shine on.
Friday, July 13, 2007
I have apple breath
We made it to day three of the cleanse. So far, so good. It's been two days of nothing but raw apple juice and water. Surprisingly I felt a lot better than I have in a really long time. My body feels lighter, I have more clarity and toxins are seeping out and poisoning my blood. Awesome.
I felt super until tonight. It was a bit rough but we did some trampoline jumping to get the lymph nodes moving. That felt amazing. Tomorrow we start the cassia disks...here's to pooping!!
I've been doing some research today about emotional cleansing and I think it will work great in tandem with the physical cleanse we are doing. I'm planning on adding the emotional cleanse tomorrow. Here's to releasing all physical and mental toxic build up in my body.
I'll let you all know how it goes. By Sunday I will be ready for a HUGE greek salad. MMMM!!! I can already feel my body resetting itself for a much healthier diet. It's great to have Lance and Jessie for support as we allow this cleanse to manifest new positive changes and inspirations.
I felt super until tonight. It was a bit rough but we did some trampoline jumping to get the lymph nodes moving. That felt amazing. Tomorrow we start the cassia disks...here's to pooping!!
I've been doing some research today about emotional cleansing and I think it will work great in tandem with the physical cleanse we are doing. I'm planning on adding the emotional cleanse tomorrow. Here's to releasing all physical and mental toxic build up in my body.
I'll let you all know how it goes. By Sunday I will be ready for a HUGE greek salad. MMMM!!! I can already feel my body resetting itself for a much healthier diet. It's great to have Lance and Jessie for support as we allow this cleanse to manifest new positive changes and inspirations.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Lunch With My First Love
My mom called me the other day to say that she found a book of mine from when I was in jr. high in the basement. She was laughing because it said, "I love Shaun forever" on it. Oh first loves....how sweet, innocent and pure.
I was just talking about him the other day to some of my girlfriends while we were reminiscing on past relationships. I felt he was the one boy I really truly just loved. It was beautiful because it was so innocent. We really just loved being with each other.
Yesterday, I randomly found my first love on myspace on my high school page. Ah myspace, the destiny of souls. He lives in Turkey and he is a paratrooper for the US army, head of his division. I had not talked to him in almost ten years, and there he was, after two conversations about him a few days earlier. How bizzare. The Law of Attraction.
We found each other at the right time because he will be in the states visiting for a month and we have a lunch date. I'm so excited to catch up with an old friend. It just goes to show you the power of the Universe.
I was just talking about him the other day to some of my girlfriends while we were reminiscing on past relationships. I felt he was the one boy I really truly just loved. It was beautiful because it was so innocent. We really just loved being with each other.
Yesterday, I randomly found my first love on myspace on my high school page. Ah myspace, the destiny of souls. He lives in Turkey and he is a paratrooper for the US army, head of his division. I had not talked to him in almost ten years, and there he was, after two conversations about him a few days earlier. How bizzare. The Law of Attraction.
We found each other at the right time because he will be in the states visiting for a month and we have a lunch date. I'm so excited to catch up with an old friend. It just goes to show you the power of the Universe.
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